Just wanted to give everyone an update on where we are in the process. We had our second meeting with the social worker writing our home study last week. She had to visit the house and clarify some of the information we had given her. By the end of last week she had sent us a draft home study, we made some adjustments and returned it to her. The only thing she's waiting on is an FBI report to be able to finish the home study. Then it can be sent off to IAC for our file.
Dee is working on our birthparent letter. We finally got a picture approved for the front cover!! It's the one heading this blog. She has to finish some of the layout and that will be ready to be sent to IAC for approval. Then we can get the whole thing printed (250 copies, please), and mail 100 of them off to IAC. Once that's done and the home study is in, we can be officially "listed" in their books and our website will be active.
We have had a couple folks ask for our letter already. They know people who know women who might be pregnant. Make sense? Once our website is up, we'll be reaching out to as many people as we can in our network, looking for referrals. That's how many of the matches are made. The mother knows someone who knows the couple trying to adopt. She connects with us, then we refer her to IAC to work with a social worker that works specifically with birth mothers. We are definitely excited about the fact that friends want copies of our letter already! We just have a few more hoops to get through before we can hand them out and start down that path.
Thank you everyone for your help, support and prayers! We really appreciate them!
Monday, April 19, 2010
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Why Open Adoption?
Here is our reading list from IAC:
1. Children of Open Adoption by Kathleen Silber and Patricia Martinez Dorner. This is required reading and talks about open adoption through the adoptee's lifetime.
2. The Kid by Dan Savage. We actually already had this book and re-read it when we got home. It's a great account of their journey through adoption.
3. Secret Thoughts of an Adoptive Mother by Jana Wolff. This book was required if we were open to adopting a child of a different race/culture. We are.
4. Because I Loved You by Patricia Dischler. A birth mother's account of adoption and later meeting her birth son. Really good book!
5. Dear Birthmother by Kathleen Silber and Phylis Speedlin. This book looks at the myths surrounding adoption and refutes traditional thoughts about it.
A few folks have asked about open adoption. Probably the best way we know how to explain the advantages of an adoption being "open" are to look at the myths from book #5.
1. "The birthmother obviously doesn't care about her child or she wouldn't have given him away." This was supposed to make it so much easier for the adoptive family to think that the birth parents were somehow losers. In reality it takes great courage to evaluate the circumstances and make a choice in the baby's best interests. She's putting the baby's future ahead of her own desire to raise a child. Know that the birth family will always be a part of our family and will be included in as much as possible, given their desires and geographic closeness to us.
2. "Secrecy in every phase of the adoption process is necessary to protect all parties." This was supposed to protect the birth family by allowing them to move on, the adoptive family to somehow assure them that the birth family would never show up to take the child back, and the adoptee to somehow think they were the "real" child of the adoptive family. In reality, secrets in adoption are as destructive as any other secrets. Instead, the open adoption gives everyone full contact information. Birth families are able to follow the adoptive family's life, the adoptive family can give honest and open answers when the child begins to ask questions about the adoption, and the child is able to know their family and history.
3. "Both the birthmother and birthfather will forget about their unwanted child." This made it easier for the adoption facilitator and the family and friends of the birth mother, but no one else. In reality, the birth family needs to acknowledge their loss and grieve. Adoption facilitators need to provide counseling and support after the adoption for the birth family. And knowing the child's "happy ending" is therapeutic for everyone!
4. "If the adoptee really loved his adoptive family, he would not have to search for his birthparents." The desire of the adoptee to know where they came from (and even the circumstances behind the adoption) doesn't mean that they love their adoptive parents any less. Like anyone else, they want to know their history, their place in the world. Their family tree didn't suddenly start with the adoption. And they aren't looking to replace their adoptive family. They just want to know. Our child will have our total love and support in anything they do, including connecting with their "roots".
As adoptive parents in an open adoption, we will always make sure the adoption is celebrated and help our child realize how treasured they are. We will know answers to the questions that adoptees ask about where they came from. And our family will grow to include the baby, but the birth family as well.
1. Children of Open Adoption by Kathleen Silber and Patricia Martinez Dorner. This is required reading and talks about open adoption through the adoptee's lifetime.
2. The Kid by Dan Savage. We actually already had this book and re-read it when we got home. It's a great account of their journey through adoption.
3. Secret Thoughts of an Adoptive Mother by Jana Wolff. This book was required if we were open to adopting a child of a different race/culture. We are.
4. Because I Loved You by Patricia Dischler. A birth mother's account of adoption and later meeting her birth son. Really good book!
5. Dear Birthmother by Kathleen Silber and Phylis Speedlin. This book looks at the myths surrounding adoption and refutes traditional thoughts about it.
A few folks have asked about open adoption. Probably the best way we know how to explain the advantages of an adoption being "open" are to look at the myths from book #5.
1. "The birthmother obviously doesn't care about her child or she wouldn't have given him away." This was supposed to make it so much easier for the adoptive family to think that the birth parents were somehow losers. In reality it takes great courage to evaluate the circumstances and make a choice in the baby's best interests. She's putting the baby's future ahead of her own desire to raise a child. Know that the birth family will always be a part of our family and will be included in as much as possible, given their desires and geographic closeness to us.
2. "Secrecy in every phase of the adoption process is necessary to protect all parties." This was supposed to protect the birth family by allowing them to move on, the adoptive family to somehow assure them that the birth family would never show up to take the child back, and the adoptee to somehow think they were the "real" child of the adoptive family. In reality, secrets in adoption are as destructive as any other secrets. Instead, the open adoption gives everyone full contact information. Birth families are able to follow the adoptive family's life, the adoptive family can give honest and open answers when the child begins to ask questions about the adoption, and the child is able to know their family and history.
3. "Both the birthmother and birthfather will forget about their unwanted child." This made it easier for the adoption facilitator and the family and friends of the birth mother, but no one else. In reality, the birth family needs to acknowledge their loss and grieve. Adoption facilitators need to provide counseling and support after the adoption for the birth family. And knowing the child's "happy ending" is therapeutic for everyone!
4. "If the adoptee really loved his adoptive family, he would not have to search for his birthparents." The desire of the adoptee to know where they came from (and even the circumstances behind the adoption) doesn't mean that they love their adoptive parents any less. Like anyone else, they want to know their history, their place in the world. Their family tree didn't suddenly start with the adoption. And they aren't looking to replace their adoptive family. They just want to know. Our child will have our total love and support in anything they do, including connecting with their "roots".
As adoptive parents in an open adoption, we will always make sure the adoption is celebrated and help our child realize how treasured they are. We will know answers to the questions that adoptees ask about where they came from. And our family will grow to include the baby, but the birth family as well.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Post-workshop Update 3/2/10
The weekend intensive workshop was great! There were 5 couples there, including us, and one single. Two were from Ohio, one from Maryland, one from Connecticut, one from New York and us. We were the only ones with foster experience and were the only ones who had tried to adopt before. We were given several books to read as well as a ton of information in our notebook. We had a few forms to fill out that we took care of while we were there, as well as handing over our first payment. And they sent us home with a "to-do" list, including:
1. Read 2 of the books we were given.
2. Complete a cultural assessment questionaire.
3. Work on the text for our Dear Birthmother letter. We emailed them a draft of 80% of the content before we left. We're waiting to hear their feedback. They say most letters go through 6 re-writes before they are accepted.
4. Gather pictures for our Dear Birthmother letter. We had gathered several that we could potentialy use in our letter. We have to have one taken for the cover that has some specific requirements. It should be taken outdoors with no shadows or squinting, we should look like we like each other (be close), it should look like we are within arms reach of the camera (mostly a head/shoulders shot), we should coordinate the color of our clothes (and tie that to the colors we use in the letter when it is designed), and there shouldn't be anything distracting in the background.
5. By the time we get those things done, they should have a template out for the letter and for our adoption website at www.iheartadoption.org. Previously prospective adoptive parents had to use professional designers to put together their letter, which is really more of a 4 page pamphlet or brochure.
6. When we are done and the leter is approved, we have to have 250 printed and send about 100 to IAC. They give them to birth mothers that have requested information. She can request all of the letters (about 250 prospective adoptive families), but they try to get her to narrow the field by specifying letters a specific geographical area, religious preference, straight/gay/lesbian preference, etc. She can also do her own searching on the website and request information on only a few that way.
7. We have to have our home study updated, since it is 2 years old now. That means new employment verifications, fingerprints for background checks, child abuse registery checks, physicals, financial information, and a multi-page demographic/background questionaire. And 6 reference letters, 2 from relatives and 4 from friends. Oh joy! When all of that is done, our local adoption agency will write up the home study and submit it to IAC.
8. Once the homestudy, the Dear Birthmother letter, and the website are done, we will be officially "listed" with IAC and birthmothers can find us. Then the waiting begins. They say it takes 6-18 months to be selected by a birth mother. She can be anywhere from 5 months along to ready to hatch. She can be anywhere in the US. If she is in a state with an IAC office (Indiana, California, Texas, Georgia, or North Carolina), they will handle all the local adoption stuff. If she's anywhere else, we'll have a third (local) adoption agency that we'll have to work through to handle the birth state paperwork. Oh...and we can't adopt from Flordia, Mississippi, Arkansas, or Utah. It's against the law for gays to adopt there. And IAC doesn't work with Kentucky birth mothers because Kentucky has some really strange, time-consuming rules about adoption that make it too difficult.
Even with all these things that need to happen, we are hopeful that we can be "listed" with IAC within a month or so. Looking at the whole process, from signing up to finalization of the adoption, it is very clear that many things need to happen that are totally out of our control! So we put the whole process in God's hands and trust that we will be successful.
1. Read 2 of the books we were given.
2. Complete a cultural assessment questionaire.
3. Work on the text for our Dear Birthmother letter. We emailed them a draft of 80% of the content before we left. We're waiting to hear their feedback. They say most letters go through 6 re-writes before they are accepted.
4. Gather pictures for our Dear Birthmother letter. We had gathered several that we could potentialy use in our letter. We have to have one taken for the cover that has some specific requirements. It should be taken outdoors with no shadows or squinting, we should look like we like each other (be close), it should look like we are within arms reach of the camera (mostly a head/shoulders shot), we should coordinate the color of our clothes (and tie that to the colors we use in the letter when it is designed), and there shouldn't be anything distracting in the background.
5. By the time we get those things done, they should have a template out for the letter and for our adoption website at www.iheartadoption.org. Previously prospective adoptive parents had to use professional designers to put together their letter, which is really more of a 4 page pamphlet or brochure.
6. When we are done and the leter is approved, we have to have 250 printed and send about 100 to IAC. They give them to birth mothers that have requested information. She can request all of the letters (about 250 prospective adoptive families), but they try to get her to narrow the field by specifying letters a specific geographical area, religious preference, straight/gay/lesbian preference, etc. She can also do her own searching on the website and request information on only a few that way.
7. We have to have our home study updated, since it is 2 years old now. That means new employment verifications, fingerprints for background checks, child abuse registery checks, physicals, financial information, and a multi-page demographic/background questionaire. And 6 reference letters, 2 from relatives and 4 from friends. Oh joy! When all of that is done, our local adoption agency will write up the home study and submit it to IAC.
8. Once the homestudy, the Dear Birthmother letter, and the website are done, we will be officially "listed" with IAC and birthmothers can find us. Then the waiting begins. They say it takes 6-18 months to be selected by a birth mother. She can be anywhere from 5 months along to ready to hatch. She can be anywhere in the US. If she is in a state with an IAC office (Indiana, California, Texas, Georgia, or North Carolina), they will handle all the local adoption stuff. If she's anywhere else, we'll have a third (local) adoption agency that we'll have to work through to handle the birth state paperwork. Oh...and we can't adopt from Flordia, Mississippi, Arkansas, or Utah. It's against the law for gays to adopt there. And IAC doesn't work with Kentucky birth mothers because Kentucky has some really strange, time-consuming rules about adoption that make it too difficult.
Even with all these things that need to happen, we are hopeful that we can be "listed" with IAC within a month or so. Looking at the whole process, from signing up to finalization of the adoption, it is very clear that many things need to happen that are totally out of our control! So we put the whole process in God's hands and trust that we will be successful.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
The Weekend Intensive
After 8 hours on the road, we made it to Indianapolis, IN for our Weekend Intensive class. Good thing we decided not to fly. The east coast is getting some big snow today and the radio said many flights were cancelled/delayed. No problems on our drive, fortunately.
The details on the workshop:
Friday will cover: overview of the adoption process from your home study to post-placement; review of the adoptive parent binder and all necessary forms; professional guidance to create your "Dear Birthmother" letter and adoption website; resolving any questions or concerns about the adoption program; a private session with your adoption coordinator; preparation for your first "match meeting" with a potential birthmother; and beginning the home study process.
Saturday is a class called Successful Adoptive Parenting:A class that explores unique parenting issues involved in open adoption. That afternoon there is a transracial support group that we were invited to attend.
We looked at 2 options for getting our home study done. One was to buy the home study that KVC did for Caleb's process. They want $1,000 to update that and sell it to us. A social worker we know through MAFA has her own adoption agency and is willing to do a home study for us. She'll be somewhere under $1,000. She's hopeful she can have it done in 3-4 weeks. We have to talk to IAC tomorrow about the options to see if either one is workable for them.
Thank you for all your positive thoughts and prayers! We really appreciate all your support!
The details on the workshop:
Friday will cover: overview of the adoption process from your home study to post-placement; review of the adoptive parent binder and all necessary forms; professional guidance to create your "Dear Birthmother" letter and adoption website; resolving any questions or concerns about the adoption program; a private session with your adoption coordinator; preparation for your first "match meeting" with a potential birthmother; and beginning the home study process.
Saturday is a class called Successful Adoptive Parenting:A class that explores unique parenting issues involved in open adoption. That afternoon there is a transracial support group that we were invited to attend.
We looked at 2 options for getting our home study done. One was to buy the home study that KVC did for Caleb's process. They want $1,000 to update that and sell it to us. A social worker we know through MAFA has her own adoption agency and is willing to do a home study for us. She'll be somewhere under $1,000. She's hopeful she can have it done in 3-4 weeks. We have to talk to IAC tomorrow about the options to see if either one is workable for them.
Thank you for all your positive thoughts and prayers! We really appreciate all your support!
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
The application process...
In case you were wondering, here is what goes into the initial application for IAC...
1. The registration form for the weekend intensive workshop.
2. The confidential questionnaire for adopting parents.
3. Verification of employment.
4. Health information.
In addition we have to get 3 references.
Submitting that stuff along with a check for the initial fee gets us into the weekend intensive class. The next class is the 26th and 27th of February. At the class we'll go over the adoption process, all the forms we need, writing the Dear Birthmother letter, get our questions answered, and begin our homestudy process. We also attend a class on Successful Adoptive Parenting.
The packet goes in the mail tomorrow!
1. The registration form for the weekend intensive workshop.
2. The confidential questionnaire for adopting parents.
3. Verification of employment.
4. Health information.
In addition we have to get 3 references.
Submitting that stuff along with a check for the initial fee gets us into the weekend intensive class. The next class is the 26th and 27th of February. At the class we'll go over the adoption process, all the forms we need, writing the Dear Birthmother letter, get our questions answered, and begin our homestudy process. We also attend a class on Successful Adoptive Parenting.
The packet goes in the mail tomorrow!
Monday, February 1, 2010
Adoption vs. Foster to Adopt
As most of you know, we have been foster parents for almost 3 years now. We started the foster program hoping to be able to adopt one of our placements. Unfortunately, after having 5 infants placed with us over the years, we have not had that opportunity. The system now seems totally focused on returning babies to parents, regardless of their circumstances. Failing that, they will look to relatives, regardless of their previous contact and bonding with the infant. Which leaves foster parents as the back-up plan. Very frustrating since we are the ones bonding with the baby and putting in the time to get them started right! We're told these things are cyclical and that in the past bonding has been considered over blood. We've basically reached the point that we can't wait for the cycle to come back around again!
We both believe that God has a baby for us. As is the case with most foster cases, we're adopting a dual-track plan in hopes of realizing our dreams. We'll continue to foster, specifically infants. And hopefully one of those will be available for adoption. We are also starting this process to work with an adoption agency that does open adoptions. The cost is significantly higher and there is no guarantee of a baby this way either. We hope and pray that one way or another, we'll find ourselves adopting!
We both believe that God has a baby for us. As is the case with most foster cases, we're adopting a dual-track plan in hopes of realizing our dreams. We'll continue to foster, specifically infants. And hopefully one of those will be available for adoption. We are also starting this process to work with an adoption agency that does open adoptions. The cost is significantly higher and there is no guarantee of a baby this way either. We hope and pray that one way or another, we'll find ourselves adopting!
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