Why Open Adoption?

Here is our reading list from IAC:

1. Children of Open Adoption by Kathleen Silber and Patricia Martinez Dorner. This is required reading and talks about open adoption through the adoptee's lifetime.
2. The Kid by Dan Savage. We actually already had this book and re-read it when we got home. It's a great account of their journey through adoption.
3. Secret Thoughts of an Adoptive Mother by Jana Wolff. This book was required if we were open to adopting a child of a different race/culture. We are.
4. Because I Loved You by Patricia Dischler. A birth mother's account of adoption and later meeting her birth son. Really good book!
5. Dear Birthmother by Kathleen Silber and Phylis Speedlin. This book looks at the myths surrounding adoption and refutes traditional thoughts about it.

A few folks have asked about open adoption. Probably the best way we know how to explain the advantages of an adoption being "open" are to look at the myths from book #5.
1. "The birthmother obviously doesn't care about her child or she wouldn't have given him away." This was supposed to make it so much easier for the adoptive family to think that the birth parents were somehow losers. In reality it takes great courage to evaluate the circumstances and make a choice in the baby's best interests. She's putting the baby's future ahead of her own desire to raise a child. Know that the birth family will always be a part of our family and will be included in as much as possible, given their desires and geographic closeness to us.
2. "Secrecy in every phase of the adoption process is necessary to protect all parties." This was supposed to protect the birth family by allowing them to move on, the adoptive family to somehow assure them that the birth family would never show up to take the child back, and the adoptee to somehow think they were the "real" child of the adoptive family. In reality, secrets in adoption are as destructive as any other secrets. Instead, the open adoption gives everyone full contact information. Birth families are able to follow the adoptive family's life, the adoptive family can give honest and open answers when the child begins to ask questions about the adoption, and the child is able to know their family and history.
3. "Both the birthmother and birthfather will forget about their unwanted child." This made it easier for the adoption facilitator and the family and friends of the birth mother, but no one else. In reality, the birth family needs to acknowledge their loss and grieve. Adoption facilitators need to provide counseling and support after the adoption for the birth family. And knowing the child's "happy ending" is therapeutic for everyone!
4. "If the adoptee really loved his adoptive family, he would not have to search for his birthparents." The desire of the adoptee to know where they came from (and even the circumstances behind the adoption) doesn't mean that they love their adoptive parents any less. Like anyone else, they want to know their history, their place in the world. Their family tree didn't suddenly start with the adoption. And they aren't looking to replace their adoptive family. They just want to know. Our child will have our total love and support in anything they do, including connecting with their "roots".

As adoptive parents in an open adoption, we will always make sure the adoption is celebrated and help our child realize how treasured they are. We will know answers to the questions that adoptees ask about where they came from. And our family will grow to include the baby, but the birth family as well.